Twilight Snark Page by Page

Page Three: The dedication

2009-04-28T00:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is a bit late. But, on with the snarkage:

For my big sister Emily
without whose enthusiasm this story might still be unfinished

I wish her enthusiasm had konked out a whole lot sooner, rather than lasting for *FOUR* door-stop sized pieces of dreck. It might have spared us all the insanity.

Page Two: The copyright info, etc.

2009-04-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

As I warned you all in my previous post, nothing in this book is safe from being snarked:

The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author

Got that, fangurlz? This story isn't real, vampires don't exist, and even if they did, I doubt they'd be cute, angsty sparkly-boos.

Summary: When seventeen-year-old Bella moves from Phoenix to live with her father in Forks, Washington, she meets an exquisitely handsome boy at school for whom she feels an overwhelming attraction and who she comes to realize is not fully human.

That summary makes the story seem so straightforward and innocuous. I swear, if you went by the summary alone, it wouldn't seem like a bad story. In fact, I bet someone with better writing chops could probably make a better story from it (but they'd have to change names and locations, of course, or risk a plagiarism suit) But I really like how the Bella/Edward relationship is summed up as "an overwhelming attraction". This describes the relationship perfectly: It's about *attraction*, not necessarily love, and while attraction can lead you to love, it's not the be-all and end-all of a relationship. Love -- real, lasting love -- takes time to develop, time for you and that special someone to get to know each other; attraction hits you like a ton of bricks -- and can bury you just as easily if you're not careful.

Page One: The Title Page

2009-04-25T16:58:00.001-07:00

Yes, nothing is safe from my snarkage, not even the title page. I'm going by the movie tie-in edition of the trade-size paperback: Much easier to jot notes in the margins (though when I started, I was working with the mass-market paperback edition, and that was a horror for writing marginalia). Actual quotes will be in italics, while snarkage will be in non-italics:

Twilight

Stephanie Meyers

:: Insert random background photo of shadowy tree silhouettes, ooh, teh spookee...::

"The Deluxe Snarkotated Edition (C) 2009. Snarkage by 'Matrix Refugee'."

Welcome to My Snarkage

2009-04-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Greetings, fellow "Twilight" haters!

I like to call myself "The #1 'Twilight' hater in New England", and in order to justify my hatred, I'm currently reading the book in order to put some fangs to my strong emotions. I can honestly say, the only way I'm surviving is to jot snarky comments in the margins as I go along. And that's where this blog comes in: I will be posting about a page a day, along with the copious snarky comments I've been jotting down. So whether you read the books and want to get back the time you wasted, or you're tired of hearing your friends/sisters/cousins squeeing over this over-hyped, over-rated, sorry excuse for vampire literature, but you don't *DARE* subject yourself to reading it, this blog is for you.

Comments will be welcomed, and I'm open to guest snarkage, but trolls will be sent back under their bridge and flames will be used to light our torches as we do a little sparkle-pire hunting.